Friday, September 18, 2009

Billy's BreakUp

Disclaimer: Any resemblance , real or imaginary, to people living or dead is most definitely not a coincidence.

It was a good morning.

Mountains were dew-pearled, my pet snail, Roger was on the thorn ,the lark on the wing. All in all, the sort of morning when God comes out of his house, sees all’s pippin’ with the world and goes back to heaven, fresh milk delivery in his left hand and the latest Cosmopolitan issue along with the daily newspaper curled up in his right. The sort, in fact, that would have sent The Boatman of the river Styx to take the day off and go springing from bower to bower , Communists hugging George W bush like a long lost brother who ,on his part, would snip off to the closest orphanage to kiss little kids’ foreheads . If, on such a buoyant morning , I put down the feeling of impending doom to a concerted conspiratorial attack of last night’s dinner and the 4 shots of Caribbean’s strongest- whom I had sent down to investigate the riotous upsurges from down below, immediately after- a graceful murmur of “ Perfectly mot juste , my dear DJ. We understand”, should immediately conspire among the citizenry. The joint operations by Messrs buttered bread and cream-and-sugared coffee cleaned up the effervescent tingling of the aforementioned dark, hovering clouds of wars, treasons ,stratagems and spoils ,as poet Brown puts it, so much so that after ferrying a couple of revolutions full of people through the revolving doors of the cafeteria , the people who beheld me walking on the streets would have gasped in amazement if some philanthropic soul had informed them that I had no springs under my feet. “Gorblimey Guv’nor, You are mistaken about the Mister that has just passed away(Uncouth barbarians! Passed away indeed) . Positively leaping, I say, by as much as four and three-quarters of a feet in the air”. With such energy I made my way through the thriving throng that thronged three-tenths of the triangular thoroughfare.

Of course, it is expected by the more discerning of the audience , who are asphyxiating with bated breathlessness at the current state of things , that a disastrous denouement must immediately follow, for a good thing as this cannot last and that the peace of the tranquil street will be shattered by , if not a boisterous rally by the Uttar Pradesh Navyuvak Utthan Mandala to protest the recent hike in the wholesale price of White truffles ,then at the very least, a couple of philanthropic knife yielding gentlemen who would be kind enough to rid me of the antique watch that I have to lug around with me on my wrist day in, day out. In retrospect , I would rather have taken my chances with them, perhaps practice my newly acquired skill in executing triple steps and twirls in the arcane art of Ballroom dancing with my adversaries, than submit to the nightmare that followed.

I ran into Billy.

Inadvertently , of course. Ever since the bloke encountered his first dumping of the season , he had been haunting the campus hangouts , looking as cheerful as a prisoner on death row watching his hangman doing crosswords even as he is being led to the noose. Dare ask him a 7 letter ending in an E for “One you won’t find in a foxhole” and be prepared to lend him your shoulder for the better part of the next three hours(if you are lucky and he isn’t inclined to prolixity) while he pours out his Italian opera, all this time ,tucking into your stock of Cheese sticks and Chicken wings. And when the meeting breaks up , him being none the worse for the experience and you set back by a couple hundred quids, he invariably touches you for a Grey one to help him get through the testing times.

General consensus as to what led to the breakup varies. Some attribute it to the slightly apocryphal story of when he smuggled in his pet mouse, Monsieur TickyTock, into the girl’s dormitory ,who finding itself in alien surroundings, viz tidy cupboards, books arranged in order of their dimensions and the dainty smell of Chanel No. 5 wafting in the rooms , instantly went about setting things right, causing a not insubstantial amount of disquietude among the dorm residents . Used to order, discipline and world peace, the flurry of small furry legs on bare arms , kempt hair and the recently procured supplies of Thaggu’s latest (the city’s favourite laddus) seemed to exercise a strain far beyond what Adam’s rib was built to tolerate to and led to an immediate schism between the two love birds. The veracity of these claims is questionable since Billy housed no other known pets besides Mr Mac and the modus operandi of the disaster does not jel well with the iguana who used to be choleric the whole day if he didn’t get his 20 hours of sleep. I mean, Who wouldn’t?

Another school of thought , founded by Smart Alec traces the origins of the break up to the following alleged event the evening of 17th September, 2009. According to one eye witness, the cooing lovebirds were nestling under a neon sign in the solitary Multiplex of the city, whispering I am sure, sweet nothings in to each other ears, giggling and being generally nauseous to the surrounding multitudes. The eye witness, call him A, much shaken by the ongoing goings on ran out for a quick sobering smoke and handed over the reins of observation to another by stander, Mr B. This person was more assiduous in his duties of Public Nosey Parker and continued to keep a shifty eye on the proceedings.

Time passed.

Time continued to pass.

There seemed to be no ebbing in the flow of pleasantries between the couple , completely oblivious to the queasiness their cuchy-cooing was causing until presently a free thinking stalwart of free society took it upon himself the responsibility to put an end to the marsh-mellow fair the whole mall had degenerated into. Rallying forth like-minded citizens, they congregated a couple of feet from the couple and according to Mr B, complimented the fairer half of the duo on the aesthetes of her anatomy, including but not restrained to the gorgeous curves, radiant physiognomy and lush flowing tresses of her hair. My friend Billy, being a socialist at heart, thought it was very kind of them to lavish his partner with such well thought out comments ,some which he thought had great literary merit and with a little bit of polishing and Old English, could be added to his already burgeoning repertoire of romantic missiles.

“Aren’t you going to teach those arseholes a lesson ?”.

I daresay women since the beginning of time have had this misconception of their partners being veritable Supermans who can dodge bullets, kick the crap out of any other male in the vicinity (no matter if the male in question looks like Hulk on steroids) and be generally up and about all the time. Bringing to their notice the ashen visage, the protruding belly and the balled up fists of fury holding on fastidiously to their Big Macs is an exercise in futility for the fair eyes are already shining with pride on their very own dashing knight in shining armour that hath come to rescue the fair maiden. They absolutely refuse to consider that the poor guy might be the New Age Gandhi with excellent ideals of “Ahimsa”, “Live and Let Live” and “Slapped on one cheek, set forth the other”, these being more the consequence of muscular penury than any real fondness for the MoneyMaker and an attempt on part of an objective observer to bring this to their kind attention has more often than not led to.... let’s just say, unpleasantness .

I daresay(yup, I daresay a lot), Billy articulated these points in some detail and was later seen slinking out of the mall, his face slightly aglow with the allegations delivered by his girl-fiend ,beg pardon, girl friend in full public view, the allegations being mainly concerned with the detection of what are commonly considered as his manly organs. And there and thus the matter rested.

Of course , a major romantic tangle doesn’t rest on its laurels . With two theories already doing the rounds, the third hypothesis made its appearance in a pot smoking session. This one was more lenient towards the defence counsel in the sense that it judged the recent altercations as being an amicable separation of the two sides due to reasons of mutual incompatibility. The story claimed that Billy had a confidential amorous relationship with Megan Fox while she mingled with George Clooney and his ilk, hence they parted ways promising to be good friends forever a la Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt. But you know how pot smoking sessions are. It’s hard to make out the truth in the smoke.


Abhishek Rajput said...

"...their partners being veritable Supermans who can dodge bullets..." Very nice. rotflmao

Mithrandir said...

i am no critic (redundant fact, wasting space) but i liked this one better, the first para was a bit hard to dig through - perhaps this herculean task humbled the prospective readers OR they don't appreciate anything more complicated than straightforward romance.

Khair, nice piece, more!